My True Love Sent To Me
From an unknown issue of the Readers Digest.

On the First Day of Christmas, My True Love sent to me, A Partridge In A Pear Tree. Unfortunately it was dispatched via British Rails Parcels Service, so it never arrived.

On the Second Day of Christmas, My True Love tried to send to me, Two Turtle Doves, but the shop had sold out. "There was a pre-Budget run on Turtle Doves, the shopkeeper explained. People were stocking up on them in case the VAT went up." My True Love also sent to me, a second Partridge In A Pear Tree, but it was delivered to the wrong address.

On the Third Day of Christmas, My True Love wanted to send to me, Three French Hens. But, under new EEC regulations. (There is no longer any such thing as a French Hen). My True Love, could have sent me, Three Common Market Hens, plucked and frozen. However, My True Love did send to me, a further Partridge In A Pear Tree, and Two Second-Hand Turtle Doves, but the Express Delivery Service had all their drivers off, so they are still in the warehouse.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas, My True Love sent to me, Four Colly Birds (blackbirds). The Post Office returned them with a note saying, that 'The only living creatures that may be sent by post, are bees, leeches and silkworms. The P.O. also returned A Partridge In A Pear Tree, Two Second-Hand Turtle Doves, and Three Frozen Common Market Hens, on the grounds that they were a, 'Prohibited, Embarrassing, Packet'.

On the Fifth Day of Christmas, My True Love sent to me, Five Gold Rings. They were confiscated by the Treasury, who warned that, 'Gold-Hoarding', was illegal. My True Love, also sent to me, A Partridge In A Pear Tree, Two Second-Hand Turtle Doves, Three Frozen Common Market Hens, and Four Bees, but one of the bees stung the messenger boy, and he has not been seen since.

On the Sixth Day of Christmas, My True Love sent to me, Six Geese-A-Laying, which are now at the, RSPCA Refuge for Pregnant Geese. "We take a serious view of this case." an inspector said. "All these poor Geese had to sustain them on their nightmare journey, was a bowl of water and some pears, which they had to share with a A Partridge, Two Second-Hand Turtle Doves, Three Frozen Common Market Hens, and Four Bees. Also, one of the Geese swallowed the Five Brass Rings, and may have to be operated on."

On the Seventh Day of Christmas, My True Love sent to me, Seven Swans-A-Swimming. They were swiftly followed by a stiff letter, signed, ‘Elizabeth R,’ warning that, if the Royal Swans were not returned smartish, someone’s 'True Love', would be spending Christmas in the Tower. My True Love also sent to me, another Partridge In A Pear Tree, Two Second-Hand Turtle Doves, Three Frozen Common Market Hens, Four Bees, Five Brass Rings, and Six Neutered Geese, 'with adequate rations', but the Postman got mugged.

On the Eighth Day of Christmas, My True Love thought of sending me, Eight Maids-A-Milking. but, my True Love was not allowed to advertise for Milkmaids, in the Sits Vac Column, as it would have been an 'infringement of the Sex Discrimination Act'. My True Love did send to me, though, A Partridge In A Pear Tree, Two Second-Hand Turtle Doves, Three Frozen Common Market Hens, Four Bees, Five Brass Rings, Six Neutered Geese, and Seven Ducks-A-Swimming. They were suspected of being 'a parcel bomb' and blown up.

On the Ninth Day of Christmas, My True Love sent to me, Nine Ladies Dancing. The whole pack of them were arrested, 'under the, Street Offences Act'. My true love also sent to me A Partridge In A Pear Tree, Two Second-Hand Turtle Doves, Three Frozen Common Market Hens, Four Bees, Five Brass Rings, Six Neutered Geese, Seven Ducks-A-Swimming, and Eight Persons Milking. On their way to my house, by van, The Eight Persons Milking, were attacked by the Six Neutered Geese, the Partridge went berserk, the Pear Tree toppled on the driver’s head, and all involved, are now in the hospital.

On the Tenth Day of Christmas, My True Love sent to me, Ten Lords-A-
Leaping, but, just as they came a-leaping up the front steps, they were called back to the 'House of Lords', for an emergency vote. On the same day, My True Love sent to me, yet another Partridge In A Pear Tree, Two More Second-Hand Turtle Doves, Three Frozen Common Market Hens, Four Bees, Five Brass Rings, Six Neutered Geese, Seven Ducks-A-Swimming, Eight Persons Milking, and Nine Ladies Knitting Scarves. A Council Social Worker, promptly put them all, in a luxury hotel, until a suitable 'Hostel', could be found for them.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, My True Love wanted to send to me, Eleven Pipers Piping, but they refused to come. They still had not recovered from Hogmanay, they said, and had no wish to take part in childish songs. So all I got from My True Love was, A Partridge In A Pear Tree, Two Second-Hand Turtle Doves, Three Frozen Common Market Hens, Four Bees, Five Brass Rings, Six Neutered Geese, Seven Ducks-A-Swimming, Eight Persons Milking, Nine Ladies Knitting Scarves, and Ten OBE’s A-Leaping. They found where I had hidden the booze, and by Midnight, the Police had to be called.

And, on the Twelfth Day of Christmas, My True Love, emigrated.


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